You're a Dumba$$, Charlie Brown

Anyone who knows me knows that I've never been a traditional holiday kind of girl. Shocking, I know, but it's not all Martha Stewart up in the Fluffy Little Household. I've never been able to commit to that kind of thing on a regular basis – I'm way too sporadic for that.

But one tradition I do love is watching holiday movies. I love to do the marathons, from Halloween through New Year's Day...and actually pretty much any time throughout the year.

I have specific holiday marathons for each occasion (which change slightly over the years, but are more or less the same, theme-wise): Harry Potters at Halloween, James Bond at Thanksgiving, LOTR at Christmas, comic-book movies for New Year's, zombie flicks for the 4th of July (still no idea where that one originated).

And, of course, each of these marathons has a sprinkling of traditional holiday movies mixed in: Nightmare Before Christmas, White Christmas, Die Hard, Independence Day...you get the picture.

But there is one genre of holiday movies that, now that I'm an adult, I never EVER watch. Ever.

I hate Charlie Brown movies. There – I’ve said it.

Hate. With a passion. And I always have.

They’re bad. They’re boring. And their only redeeming qualities are the scenes with Snoopy and Woodstock.

I’ve never understood why these specials are so popular. Is it a nostalgic thing? Because that, to me, is just not enough – there is plenty of TV from my childhood that should never be watched again.

Is it because of the endearing relationships between the characters? Hell no. Because let me tell you – every kid in that show is an asshole.

It’s always been uncomfortable for me to watch these shows, where Charlie Brown’s so-called “friends” insult and belittle him at every possible turn, and he still follows them around and tries to be a good kid and a good friend. Eff that.

They all treat Charlie Brown like crap, and we love them for it? No. Each and every one of them is a jerk, except Charlie Brown, who is jerky in his own way for not telling them to piss off. Every one of those specials could have the same title: Your Friends are Douchebags, Charlie Brown!

And don’t tell me it’s sweet when they all finally decorate the little tree and sing around it at the end of the Christmas special – screw them all for that. You do NOT get to act like a pile of shit all year and then decide to pull your head out of your ass just because it’s Christmas. What kind of message is that?

Don’t even get me started on that football thing. Every time they set up that scene, I cross my fingers in the hopes that, this time, Charlie Brown will haul off and kick that little bitch square in the teeth. Alas…it never happens, but that would be a helluva special.

Luckily, my kids aren’t all that interested in these movies either. And it’s not because of me. I've tried. I used to put them on for tradition’s sake whenever they aired on TV, and I even bought the Halloween/Thanksgiving/Christmas DVD. I've sat and watched objectively, but my kids are just not interested, and they have the same complaints as I do: “Geez, mom…you used to watch this stuff? This is SO boring! These kids are jerks. Let's watch something else.” Totally warms my heart.

I don’t know – maybe there’s something about these movies that I just don’t get. I mean, I think the comic strip is actually pretty brilliant. So why doesn’t it translate to the TV specials for me?

I may never figure that out. Maybe I’m the blockhead.