A Dirty Little Tuesday Top 5

Okay...so that's misleading...

So, since my washer’s been broken for the past few weeks (with hopes for the ability to repair it ourselves dwindling), I’ve been doing small loads on a regular basis at my sister’s. Which is fantastic, and I love her for it. But on the weekends, I try to take care of the big stuff at the Laundromat.

The Laundromat has its pros and cons, of course. It is nice to get everything done in one fell swoop. And it does get me out of the house for a little while. But it’s about the most boring place on earth.

I never realize, until I’m forced to go to the Laundromat, how much else I can actually get done while I’m doing laundry at home. I don’t even think about how much time it actually takes and how much takes to do. It’s not until I’m sitting there, making small talk with the lady behind the counter or trying to avoid people plowing through the narrow rows with their giant laundry carts piled with strange underwear and whatnot that I realize how boring it is—because there is NOTHING ELSE TO DO.

I know there some Laundromats exist that are attached to or near other businesses in order to capitalize on the customers’ wasted time. Like, I’ve heard of them being combined with tanning salons. But that really holds no appeal for me whatsoever—I’ve learned to deal with my shockingly pasty complexion years ago.

So, in the spirit of reviving the Top 5 List, and just for SOMETHING to do while I’m sitting here with no Internet connection, here are the things I would enjoy being able to do while at the Laundromat. Enjoy.

Top 5 Other Businesses That Should Be Combined with Laundromats*:

5. Car wash – Nothing reminds me of how much my car needs vacuuming more than putting clean clothes in the trunk. “When’s the last time we even had Doritos? Ew…”

4. Bookstore/library – Actually, library is probably better, unless the bookstore takes leftover quarters and doesn’t cost too much. Because omg…it’s getting expensive to do laundry.

3. Coffee Shop – I was thinking bar, because alcohol, but coffee shop is a better choice. I could just see people getting loaded and ralphing into empty washing machines. Or not empty.

2. Gym – You’re in there watching bad TV that you can’t hear over the machines anyway. Why not get on the treadmill? Hauling your clothes in and out of the car and the machines could count as weight lifting.

1. Arcade – This would be brilliant, since there’s already a change machine there for quarters. I could totally throw down with some House of the Dead while I’m waiting to add some fabric softener.

*Any combination of the above is also acceptable.

Of course, if the Laundromat I went to would just add WiFi, I’d be a happy girl. But then this fascinating list wouldn’t exist. You’re welcome.

Oops—time to fold!

S

You're a Dumba$$, Charlie Brown

Anyone who knows me knows that I've never been a traditional holiday kind of girl. Shocking, I know, but it's not all Martha Stewart up in the Fluffy Little Household. I've never been able to commit to that kind of thing on a regular basis – I'm way too sporadic for that.

But one tradition I do love is watching holiday movies. I love to do the marathons, from Halloween through New Year's Day...and actually pretty much any time throughout the year.

I have specific holiday marathons for each occasion (which change slightly over the years, but are more or less the same, theme-wise): Harry Potters at Halloween, James Bond at Thanksgiving, LOTR at Christmas, comic-book movies for New Year's, zombie flicks for the 4th of July (still no idea where that one originated).

And, of course, each of these marathons has a sprinkling of traditional holiday movies mixed in: Nightmare Before Christmas, White Christmas, Die Hard, Independence Day...you get the picture.

But there is one genre of holiday movies that, now that I'm an adult, I never EVER watch. Ever.

I hate Charlie Brown movies. There – I’ve said it.

Hate. With a passion. And I always have.

They’re bad. They’re boring. And their only redeeming qualities are the scenes with Snoopy and Woodstock.

I’ve never understood why these specials are so popular. Is it a nostalgic thing? Because that, to me, is just not enough – there is plenty of TV from my childhood that should never be watched again.

Is it because of the endearing relationships between the characters? Hell no. Because let me tell you – every kid in that show is an asshole.

It’s always been uncomfortable for me to watch these shows, where Charlie Brown’s so-called “friends” insult and belittle him at every possible turn, and he still follows them around and tries to be a good kid and a good friend. Eff that.

They all treat Charlie Brown like crap, and we love them for it? No. Each and every one of them is a jerk, except Charlie Brown, who is jerky in his own way for not telling them to piss off. Every one of those specials could have the same title: Your Friends are Douchebags, Charlie Brown!

And don’t tell me it’s sweet when they all finally decorate the little tree and sing around it at the end of the Christmas special – screw them all for that. You do NOT get to act like a pile of shit all year and then decide to pull your head out of your ass just because it’s Christmas. What kind of message is that?

Don’t even get me started on that football thing. Every time they set up that scene, I cross my fingers in the hopes that, this time, Charlie Brown will haul off and kick that little bitch square in the teeth. Alas…it never happens, but that would be a helluva special.

Luckily, my kids aren’t all that interested in these movies either. And it’s not because of me. I've tried. I used to put them on for tradition’s sake whenever they aired on TV, and I even bought the Halloween/Thanksgiving/Christmas DVD. I've sat and watched objectively, but my kids are just not interested, and they have the same complaints as I do: “Geez, mom…you used to watch this stuff? This is SO boring! These kids are jerks. Let's watch something else.” Totally warms my heart.

I don’t know – maybe there’s something about these movies that I just don’t get. I mean, I think the comic strip is actually pretty brilliant. So why doesn’t it translate to the TV specials for me?

I may never figure that out. Maybe I’m the blockhead.