Sunday, November 14, 2010

Just when I was starting to get excited about Thanksgiving cooking...

Holy hell. This has got to be one of the worst-looking food items I've ever seen in my life:

This is gelatin, people. With cucumber, onions, and celery in it.

If you're thinking, "Damn, that sounds delish!" and are itching for the recipe, you can find it here.

And I don't know who the hell "Scott" is, but he should probably stop doing whip-its while cooking. Ew.

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Survivor or Crosshair? Legendary badasses meet the Zombie Apocalypse

Everyone knows how obsessed I am with the upcoming Zombie Apocalypse (it will happen, you know!). Okay...maybe "obsessed" is a strong word, because I do know people who are obsessed, and frankly, they freak me out. Let's say I'm...well-aware?

Anyway, with this in mind, how could I NOT buy myself a copy of The DIY Guide to Surviving the Zombie Apocalypse as a birthday gift for myself when I was at Wizard World Chicago this past summer? Especially when the creators, Bud Hanzel, John Olson, and Mark Stegbauer gave me a double-my-money-back guarantee if I don't manage to survive? You KNOW I can't resist a good bargain!

(Click here to get this book NOW from it's too late!)

The book itself is not only an informative zombie survival guide (seriously...these guys cover topics you'd never even think about until it was waaaay too late), it's also a very provocative look at what we human beings are like pre-apocalypse. And most of us are not very well prepared for what lies ahead, for a lot of reasons...

While reading this book (and, since I don't get a lot of time to myself, I read the majority of it by leaving 10 minutes early to pick up my daughter at her high school so I could read it while I was parked outside waiting...probably not the best way to ensure her social well-being...), I did a lot of thinking about what we think we already know about surviving the Zombie Apocalypse--based on movies, TV, etc. (because we all know I'm a scatterbrained geek like that) and whether or not these characters and supposed "experts" would really end up surviving.

So, what I'm hoping to do is to go straight to the source. I'm asking the creators of The DIY Guide to Surviving the Zombie Apocalypse who, out of the following list of monster killers/hunters/slayers and all-around badasses, would be survivors and who would be major crosshair candidates.

(Please note that this list is, by no means, complete.)

Sam and Dean Winchester (Supernatural)
Buffy Summers (Buffy the Vampire Slayer)
Alice (Resident Evil)
Ash (Army of Darkness)
Sarah Connor (Terminator)
Sarah Connor (Terminator 2: Judgement Day)
Chuck Norris (Anything That Kicks Your Ass)
Zoey (Left 4 Dead)
John Rambo (One Too Many Rambo Movies)
Tallahassee (Zombieland)
Ellen Ripley (Alien, Aliens, Still More Aliens, Aliens Gone Wild)
Rich Grimes (The Walking Dead)

(Please also note that the people on this list are not all "zombie hunters." I get that. I'd like to broaden the spectrum and see how other popular characters would be rated as fighters/survivors.)

So, whaddya say, guys? Spare a few minutes and a few thoughts to let us know who sets a good example and who is gonna make us all zombie chow?

LOVE this book!


Monday, September 13, 2010


Dear (unnamed company I've applied to 9+ times over the past 5 years),

Thanks for the 9+ straight rejections, followed by the free product catalog (writing for which I am MORE than qualified to do).


Sunday, February 28, 2010

Things that keep me awake at night...

I'm not quite sure which is worse:

Finding out someone already wrote the book you've been trying to write,


finding that book in the bargain bin at Big Lots!(c)

Sunday, February 14, 2010

Getting a Heart-On...

I sat down to write something about Valentine's day--particularly Valentine's candy--and realized I'd already done so. How lazy am I to be recycling my own blog?

Anyway, enjoy...

(Originally posted February 12, 2008, on my other blog.) another Valentine's Day is on the way...and we all know how I love this contrived Hallmark holiday, designed to make men feel obligated to spend money on trinkets or look like jerks, to make women look like petty, materialistic harpies, and to make people who are not in relationships feel like social lepers.

And let's not go into the rampant purchasing of overpriced greeting cards, bad chocolate, and tacky lingerie...

But, for as much as I hate V-Day, there is one thing that I love dearly about this otherwise waste of a holiday...conversation hearts.

For somoene who frequently says that if candy isn't chocolate, it's not worth eating, I love these cheap little candies so very much that I usually buy the first bag I can find, right after Christmas.

And I'm not talking about the Sweet-Tart ones...I mean the chalky, cheap Necco(R) ones that you can get for like 2 for a buck at Walgreen's with the SUPER-cheesy sayings on them.

I swear, these are the best non-chocolate candies apart from Swedish Fish.

So, as I'm going through the bag on my desk faster than you can say "elliptical machine," I have noticed that, as with most things, I tend to eat the ones I don't like as much first.

So I thought I'd share my own personal candy heart ratings with everyone, as well as the more amusing messages I'm finding. So....

Top Five Flavors of Valentine's Conversation Hearts (in order), Plus the Best Message Found on Each in This Particular Bag:

5) White - These are nasty. They taste like Pepto Bismol. I typically use these for throwing at people.

Best message on a white heart: "Awe Some" Yeah, like a hotdog.

4) Green & Pink (tie) - Green taste vaguely lime-ish, but they're not as nasty as lime-flavored things usually are. Still, I'm not about to dunk one in my Corona, either. Pink are...I and taste a little like kid's Robitussin.

Best message on a green heart: "Ask Me" (My answer? "Yes, you're a total a**hole...")

Best message on a pink heart: "It's Love" I find this funny because the "L" has been sort of cut off and is on the side of the heart, so it looks like it says "It's ove" on the front, and I thought it said, "It's Over," which I thought was hysterically funny to put on a piece of Valentine candy.

3) Purple - Sort of grape-y, like a Flintstone's vitamin. Fairly yummy.

Best message on a purple heart: "Ura Tiger" There's only one person I've ever called "tiger," and he knows why. Not too many people actually speak in 1970s hyperbole anymore. Well...not seriously anyway. Just me.

2) Orange - These are goooood. Sort of dreamsicle-y, like St. Joseph's baby aspirin.

Best message on an orange heart: "Go Fish" Now, when you're playing the card game of "Go Fish," and you actually say to the other player, "Go fish," it means, "I don't have what you're looking for--you'll have to look over there in that messy pile of miscellany." Helluva message for one tiny piece of quasi-romantic candy.

1) Yellow - Yellow Valentine hearts are the supreme awesomeness. I think they're supposed to be banahhhhhna...refreshing, because most yellow candy is lemon, which I hate.

Best message on a yellow heart: "How Nice" This is damn funny to me for two reasons. One, because it sounds snottily sarcastic, and two, because it calls to mind a feminine hygiene product commercial from the mid-80's, and, of course, I think that's a riot.

So, happy Valentine's day, people. I hope you all spend it doing something meaningful with the people you love and not just blowing money mindlessly on trinkets because you think you have to. I don't.

And, if you get pelted in the back of the head with a white heart that says "Hot Stuff" on it, just know that it was thrown with love.


Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Porn Flakes

Recently, my husband forwarded me an article from WebMD called, "Why Men Like Porn” (I guess in case I wasn’t sure?). It was brief, bland, and just barely informative enough to warrant publication, and the gist of the thing was pretty much what you'd expect it to be on that type of site: Yes, it's normal; no, it doesn't mean he doesn't love you, and hey, maybe you should loosen up a bit and try watching it with him. Blah, blah, blah...

Now, I consider myself to be a fairly open-minded girl. My husband and I frequently watch "adult" movies together (although, I think I have a separate rant somewhere about why this is labeled "adult" entertainment when the majority of its viewers are completely juvenile, but I digress...), and, for the most part, I've been of the mindset that I don't mind where my man gets his appetite, as long as he eats at home (there is one caveat to this, which I will not discuss here, thankyouverymuch). I'm not prissy and I'm not a prude—I know that porn does have its redeeming qualities (it’s the shoes, ladies…it’s the shoes…) and I understand the importance of every guy's "me time."

What I don't care for (cos you knew it was coming...) are all the articles such as this one and all the so-called "experts" and society in general telling me to be okay with it. And more specifically, why I should be okay with it. And it’s not that I’m not, but I do have my opinions—specifically that it is the lazy-person’s arousal tool and the ultimate killer of fantasy. And I think this article—in it’s merciful brevity and half-assed attempts to be quirky and amusing—ignores entirely the opposing side of this issue. Because for every "Kate" whose acceptance and sharing of her husband's activities ultimately strengthened their relationship (now THAT'S a "chick flick!"), there are dozens of women who know that "Tom" and "Dr. Stambaugh" just aren't getting the rest of the point.

So yes, I will take it upon myself to play devil's advocate (no, not the Keanu Reeves movie--sorry, Heather) and fill in the missing side of this argument. Call it a long-overdue Top 5 list, if you will. Call it:

Why Women Don't Like the Fact that Men Like Porn*

5) It sets up a completely idealized and unrealistic self-image for us. While the article suggests that men aren't watching porn because they find the girls more attractive than their wives (a point that it suspiciously unsupported in this article...gee, I wonder why...), any woman who's ever struggled with self-esteem issues knows that does not matter. You might not be comparing us to porn stars--but we ARE. We can't help it--they're everywhere: on reality TV, in videos, on fitness DVDs...and they make us feel inadequate and ordinary. In the bedroom, with the person we've chosen to share our lives with, is the LAST place we should ever be made to feel insecure.

4) We have no real, solid equivalent. Porn is a guy thing. That's that. Guy/girl porn? For straight guys. Girl/girl porn? Also for straight guys. Guy/guy porn? Um...hello? Not for straight girls, but for gay guys. Women have no way to retaliate on the same level. Sure, we can go out with a bunch of our friends and watch male strippers or have lingerie or toy parties (I'm thinking February, D--let's talk...), but let's be serious--if it's something we'd invite our moms to or joke around about with our friends or talk about at work, then it's NOT the same thing. And besides, guys will condescendingly think it's cute. And probably use the time we're away to watch porn.

3) Sometimes, it's just not that exciting. Let's face it, porn isn't exactly the most intellectually stimulating cinematic genre there is. And yes, men may be "hardwired for easy arousal” (which, the author suggests, is a “
propagation-of-the-species thing”), but not all women are. We tend to like things that are a little more cerebral (call it a “making-sure-the-species-isn’t-completely-brain-dead” thing), and random body parts bouncing around on a screen aren't necessarily going to do for us what they do for you.

And, admit it…anyone who’s watched porn for any significant amount of time has got to own up to the fact that it gets a little tedious after awhile. I mean, once you get past the different combinations of partners, acts, and outfits, you’re pretty much in for the same formulaic ride heading for the same sticky, predictable solution.

2) Sometimes, YOU'RE not that exciting. Frequently, guys, when you get in this situation, you just go about it the wrong way. Plopping your girlfriend or wife or significant other down in front of a dirty movie, thinking she'll be ready when you are, just isn't going to do it. You need to involve her in the arousal, which will most likely involve you having to actually acknowledge her presence. Possibly talk to her. But please!...make sure that once you do get her interested and get started, you're not paying more attention to what's on the screen than what's live in front of you (or underneath you or on top of you or whatever). Because if watching a drooling zombie spacing out and staring at the TV was enough to do it for us, we'd be turned on beyond belief every Sunday during football season.

1) It’s an ego thing. There was a time, guys, when WE were your porn stars. When you used to fantasize about US that way. Now, you're taking every opportunity to skulk off to your computer the moment you think we're not looking (and we are), to watch random women you'll--admittedly!--never get to have, usually while we're either doing something around the house or with the kids, or while we're in bed alone, waiting for you. It's a crushing blow to the ego, guys, when we're no longer all you need to get excited. And we just don’t like being replaced.

The article suggests that we ladies pick out what we like and watch it with you, but what if we like is to not watch porn? Then we're back to us not being supportive and having to do things without you. And that's not exactly fair, is it? Because I'm willing to bet that there's no article out there suggesting that you go shoe-shopping with us.

Anyway...your thoughts, please?


*(PLEASE NOTE: I understand that some women are just morally opposed to porn as a whole [and I’d like to think that the women in that category are with men whose views match their own…and if they aren’t, there’s obviously a bigger issue for them to deal with], so these points won’t necessarily apply at all.)