Sunday, February 14, 2010

Getting a Heart-On...

I sat down to write something about Valentine's day--particularly Valentine's candy--and realized I'd already done so. How lazy am I to be recycling my own blog?

Anyway, enjoy...

(Originally posted February 12, 2008, on my other blog.) another Valentine's Day is on the way...and we all know how I love this contrived Hallmark holiday, designed to make men feel obligated to spend money on trinkets or look like jerks, to make women look like petty, materialistic harpies, and to make people who are not in relationships feel like social lepers.

And let's not go into the rampant purchasing of overpriced greeting cards, bad chocolate, and tacky lingerie...

But, for as much as I hate V-Day, there is one thing that I love dearly about this otherwise waste of a holiday...conversation hearts.

For somoene who frequently says that if candy isn't chocolate, it's not worth eating, I love these cheap little candies so very much that I usually buy the first bag I can find, right after Christmas.

And I'm not talking about the Sweet-Tart ones...I mean the chalky, cheap Necco(R) ones that you can get for like 2 for a buck at Walgreen's with the SUPER-cheesy sayings on them.

I swear, these are the best non-chocolate candies apart from Swedish Fish.

So, as I'm going through the bag on my desk faster than you can say "elliptical machine," I have noticed that, as with most things, I tend to eat the ones I don't like as much first.

So I thought I'd share my own personal candy heart ratings with everyone, as well as the more amusing messages I'm finding. So....

Top Five Flavors of Valentine's Conversation Hearts (in order), Plus the Best Message Found on Each in This Particular Bag:

5) White - These are nasty. They taste like Pepto Bismol. I typically use these for throwing at people.

Best message on a white heart: "Awe Some" Yeah, like a hotdog.

4) Green & Pink (tie) - Green taste vaguely lime-ish, but they're not as nasty as lime-flavored things usually are. Still, I'm not about to dunk one in my Corona, either. Pink are...I and taste a little like kid's Robitussin.

Best message on a green heart: "Ask Me" (My answer? "Yes, you're a total a**hole...")

Best message on a pink heart: "It's Love" I find this funny because the "L" has been sort of cut off and is on the side of the heart, so it looks like it says "It's ove" on the front, and I thought it said, "It's Over," which I thought was hysterically funny to put on a piece of Valentine candy.

3) Purple - Sort of grape-y, like a Flintstone's vitamin. Fairly yummy.

Best message on a purple heart: "Ura Tiger" There's only one person I've ever called "tiger," and he knows why. Not too many people actually speak in 1970s hyperbole anymore. Well...not seriously anyway. Just me.

2) Orange - These are goooood. Sort of dreamsicle-y, like St. Joseph's baby aspirin.

Best message on an orange heart: "Go Fish" Now, when you're playing the card game of "Go Fish," and you actually say to the other player, "Go fish," it means, "I don't have what you're looking for--you'll have to look over there in that messy pile of miscellany." Helluva message for one tiny piece of quasi-romantic candy.

1) Yellow - Yellow Valentine hearts are the supreme awesomeness. I think they're supposed to be banahhhhhna...refreshing, because most yellow candy is lemon, which I hate.

Best message on a yellow heart: "How Nice" This is damn funny to me for two reasons. One, because it sounds snottily sarcastic, and two, because it calls to mind a feminine hygiene product commercial from the mid-80's, and, of course, I think that's a riot.

So, happy Valentine's day, people. I hope you all spend it doing something meaningful with the people you love and not just blowing money mindlessly on trinkets because you think you have to. I don't.

And, if you get pelted in the back of the head with a white heart that says "Hot Stuff" on it, just know that it was thrown with love.



  1. I just realized, upon re-reading this article, that I equate a lot of flavors with various kids' medicines. I guess I was sick a lot as a kid.