Monday, December 21, 2009

July - November, or whatever

For many, many years, I've spent this day missing someone. Someone very specific. I'd mope about and write letters I never intended to send, bemoaning the absence of this person in my adult life and apologizing for things that, when I look back on having done them, can really only be attributed to a capricious youth.

In the last year, however, and more recently in the last couple of weeks, I have taken a much more complete look at my life and particularly at the person I've become. And I've said it before and will likely say it again, I'm pretty damn proud of the person I am today, given the challenges I've had in my life. I may not have accomplished everything in life that I set out to do (hell, I don't ever really remember setting out to accomplish anything!), but I'm happy that the choices I went and made in the effed-up Choose Your Own Adventure novel that is my life have brought me to this point.

Let me tell you, it's not been a cakewalk. I've done a lot of stupid things in my life. I've made a lot of mistakes. But believe me...I am Karma's favorite bitch, and I'd like to think I've more than paid for them. I've forgiven a lot of people and swallowed a lot of pride and pushed aside a lot of things that have hurt me, and this is something that has never been easy for me; I struggle with it constantly, even today when I have a beautiful family and am married to an amazing man whom I love with all my heart. And he has spent nearly two and a half years paying for other people's mistakes.

Now, don't get me wrong...this is rarely an overnight process. It takes a lot for me to forgive and even more for me to forget. But I can't very well be proud of the person I am today without having come to terms with all the experiences I've had throughout my life, good and bad. I am a product of everything that has happened to me. And I'd like to think that, with one, maybe two, exceptions, there are enough great memories of just about any person from my past to overshadow the bad ones. And I wouldn't be who I am without them.

So, instead of reiterating my biannual whining about how sad I am over missing this person and how sorry I am for all the things that went wrong and how much I totally understand, I will instead say this: Oh well. I don't miss you anymore, because I finally realized that you don't really exist. I am sorry for all the things that went wrong, but I'm not the only one who had made mistakes. And no, I don't understand, because I think there are way better things to hang on to. And if you don't, it sucks to be you.

In future, I will instead fill my silly little blogs on this day with bright blessings and wishes for a happy solstice, and a look forward to a bright and happy future with the people I have chosen to surround myself with. So there.


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